


Less than three

by alchemicalTyphoon



Series: Star charts [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: <3, EDI attempting humour, EDI is watching you!, F/M, Feelings!, Fluff, Gen, Gibbering privacy blob fetish, Joker is a big softie, That was a joke - Freeform, That was another joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-15
Updated: 2012-11-15
Packaged: 2017-11-18 18:13:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/563967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemicalTyphoon/pseuds/alchemicalTyphoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joker's not quite sure what happened the other day. Maybe if he grills her about it, she will tell him? And maybe EDI has some good jokes to share? But what is this? Suddenly, they are talking about... feelings?! What is a snarky, sarcastic pilot to do? Obviously, he'll run with it, run into a wall with it and then deny he had a hand in it! (Inspired by a comment left on <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/563926">Data exchange?</a>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Less than three

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Data exchange?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/563926) by [alchemicalTyphoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemicalTyphoon/pseuds/alchemicalTyphoon). 



> Although this is a stand-alone story, I suggest you read [Data exchange?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/563926) first for the full experience. 
> 
> Unprompted fill inspired by a comment left on [Data exchange?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/563926) in the Kmeme thread. Original Kmeme post [here](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/5367.html?thread=19594487#t19594487).

**Less than three**

 

It was quiet in the cockpit... if you ignored all the softly bleeping noises made by the various flight instruments. Sometimes a couple of them would blink and Joker would push a button here and adjust a meter there and everything would go back to the quiet beeping. It was a pleasant routine.

 

The pilot glanced at EDI, sitting all beautiful and poised in the co-pilot seat. She too would react to blinking and beeping buttons every so often.

He suppressed the urge to laugh at the memory of EDI and Legion's star chart conversation from a few days ago, but was only partially successful. One corner of his mouth still twitched slightly at the memory.

 

“You are in a good mood, Jeff. I am glad to witness that.”

 

Joker's focus snapped back to his control panel as he gave a nonchalant shrug and nonsensical mumble.

 

_Shit! She sees everything!_

 

He went back to pushing buttons and monitoring the instruments, before a thought struck him.

 

“EDI?”

 

“Yes, Jeff?”

 

“So, the Alliance never tore out _all_ of the cameras and microphones right? And you can still creepily stalk me or anyone else when we go shower right? I mean, not that I would shower with anyone else since that would be weird and all... but hypothetically speaking, you could, if you were so inclined.”

 

EDI raised an eyebrow. “That is correct. Although twenty-three per cent of the interior cameras have been disabled and dismantled, I still have a broad overview of what goes on within and without the Normandy. I am not programmed for voyeuristic tendencies however and would there-for not 'creepily stalk' you or anyone else while they shower.”

 

Joker scratched his beard and hummed thoughtfully.

 

“I could send you a copy of you showering with other people when I come across it, if this is what you are trying to ask me.” There was a slight pause before she continued. “That was a joke.”

 

The pilot chuckled. “Well, thanks for the offer, but I don't think you'll catch me doing that very soon. There's only one person I'd want to shower with, but there would be some complications.”

 

She regarded him quizzically.

 

“You know, brittle bones and all. Slip up once and 'hello broken femur!'”, he hastily added.

 

Satisfied with the explanation, she turned her attention back to the instrument panel. Silence returned to the cockpit as Joker figured out how to continue.

 

“So... There are cameras _everywhere_...”

 

“Not everywhere. If the Normandy was filled with cameras _everywhere_ , the crew would have no space to work... That was another joke.”

 

Joker smirked. “A lame joke EDI. But you're getting better at this.”

 

“Thank you, Jeff.”

 

Another brief pause occurred as Joker waited for her to take the bait.

 

“Was there something you wanted to know about the security measures within the Normandy?”

 

_Security measures? So she wants to play it like that, huh?_

 

“Does the Normandy have any blind spots? You know, in case I ever feel like stealthing around”, he asked casually.

 

“There were negligible blind spots in the observation decks, war room, captain's quarters and various maintenance crawl spaces. Since I have taken control of this platform, there are technically no blind spots on this ship.”

 

“Mmhmm... And microphones? I assume they'd be attached to the cameras, or we'll be needing lip-reading programs and comical synthetic voices.”

 

“Your assumption is correct. Engineering and other loud environments have microphones with noise cancellers to maintain the clarity of sound recordings. And no, I will not hand you copies of compromising video and/or sound recordings. That would be a gross violation of privacy”, she further explained.

 

“Crap, here I thought I could score some good blackmail material... Wait a minute, you just said you'd hand me hypothetical videos of me showering with people! Isn't that a 'gross violation' of _my_ privacy? And what about the hypothetical other party I'm showering with?”

 

“No, it would not violate your own privacy to watch yourself on a surveillance video... And I would block out and scramble the voice of the other party in the video entirely to protect their privacy, should you really want the footage”, EDI concluded.

 

The pilot sighed loudly and slumped in his seat. “Great, I'd just get a stupid video of me in a shower with a gibbering privacy-blob... Somehow I doubt there's a fetish for that...”

 

She turned to him. “I could check the extranet if you are interested in meeting kindred spirits?”

 

He laughed out loud. “Nah, don't bother! I don't mind being sad and lonely with my privacy-blob fetish”, he grinned.

 

The A. I. seemed pleased to have made him laugh and not even needing to announce the joke, though someone new to EDI wouldn't have been able to say so. Joker just knew by the way she sat up just a fraction more, the slightest tilt of her head and the nigh-on invisible curl of those synthetic lips.

 

He stayed slumped in the seat a bit longer before his back started to protest. It made him sit up in a more comfortable position and he proceeded to hum in what he liked to imagine was a ponderous fashion. Then Joker slyly looked at her from his peripheral view.

 

“So, since you have a good view of the war room and unless Tali and Legion start a free-for-all bar brawl, it's relatively nice and quiet there... Which means you _could_ have discussed star charts in the war room with Legion, right?”

 

EDI's platform momentarily froze mid-action. Anyone else would likely not have noticed, but Joker had spent a lot of time with her in the same room and did catch that tiny hitch. A smug smile was threatening to escape, but this time, he caught it before it could appear.

 

“Yes”, she started slowly. “But I decided not to.”

 

“And why not? Trekking to the crew deck must've been a pain for Legion. That stupid DNA scanner the Alliance installed probably flipped out when he walked through it! 'No DNA, no DNA! Error, error! Somebody set up us a geth!' Why did you do that to our tin man?”

 

A moment passed before EDI answered. “I find it... enjoyable when crew members approach this platform when they wish to speak with me. I was curious whether I would derive the same pleasure from a fellow synthetic.”

 

The pilot nodded thoughtfully. This had come up before during a conversation she had with Shepard, so yeah, that was plausible.

 

“Hmm... But, when he was in the mess hall, why not speak through a private comm channel?”

 

This answer came quicker than the rest had so far.

 

“Legion asked this same question during their first stay on the Normandy. I told them I thought it was rude towards the crew, should they witness us speaking electronically.”

 

Okay, he had nothing on that. He'd be weirded out too if those two had been standing in the mess hall, holding a staring competition while they were in a virtual private channel... exchanging data...

 

Joker snorted out loud at his last train of thought, resulting in an arched eyebrow.

 

He shook his head in amusement. “Sorry, stupid train of thought. But, I am wondering why you didn't meet him directly in the data core. I thought you were all about efficiency and stuff?”

 

“... It was a coincidence.”

 

As he slowly leaned towards her and folded his hands behind his head, Joker chose to retort casually. “Oh, a 'coincidence' now? And I suppose it was also a 'coincidence' your platform ran out of juice. Even though I'm pretty sure it wasn't supposed to run out of juice at that particular moment since exchanging data doesn't require that much power in the first place... Unless...?”

 

The pilot looked at her with a Cheshire's grin and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, while simultaneously batting his eyelashes at her in his best attempt at mock-innocence. If A.I.'s could blush, he was sure she would be doing so in an almost furious fashion.

 

He decided not to take it much further: it was a lot of fun to tease EDI and trade barbs with her, but going any further would be downright mean. And although Jeff Moreau was a lot of things, 'downright mean' was not one of them.

 

With his hands unfolded and his posture straightened up, Joker looked at her fully. “Nah, you wouldn't do that... Sorry for even suggesting. Was just messing with you, but it was uncalled for. My bad!... But I'm still wondering what that little show of yours was about.” His tone was one of sincere curiosity.

 

She hesitated. “Your morale was low. It happened after speaking with Shepard about...Tiptree. I found it... unsettling. Humour is generally a good way to raise morale. I was confident I got the timing and topic continuation right.”

 

There was a slight pause before she continued, her voice softer. “It was a joke. For you.”

 

Joker froze.

 

_... Shit... She sees everything..._

 

*******

 

She held a certain sense of pride in her algorithms' ability to decipher human body language, but the algorithms were turning up no conclusive results this time. Jeff's unknown facial expression slowly turned to one categorized as 'thoughtful' as he turned back to his control panel. She kept the platform's cameras trained on him for another thirty seconds, before returning them towards the control panel in front of her.

 

She wondered, had she made a mistake? The A.I. was certain Jeff favoured joke set ups containing 'sexual innuendo' and she was certain he preferred using humour to alleviate bad moods. She recalled the Normandy's pilot had responded quite well to her tentative attempts at joking (when no Alliance personnel was around to witness of course) during Shepard's house arrest by the Alliance.

 

Admittedly, the situation at that time had been different; the Reaper war had not yet begun and people close to Jeff were still relatively safe. Had she perhaps stumbled upon a personal social faux pas? 'Jeff does not like jokes when the situation regarding his closest family members is unknown, yet potentially threatening'?

 

A message required her attention.

 

 

 

_FROM: Jeff Moreau_

 

_TO: EDI_

 

_TITLE: Cryptic spooky message_

 

_FF0000. In this order._

 

_Local Cluster_

_Serpent Nebula_

_Eagle Nebula_

_The Shrike Abyssal_

_Hourglass Nebula_

_Omega Nebula_

_Pylos Nebula_

_The Phoenix Massing_

_Caleston Rift_

_Shadow Sea_

_Local Cluster_

 

_And no cheating allowed!_

 

 

 

Even without 'cheating', it did not take her long to decipher his message. EDI tilted her head towards her left. From this vantage point, she could not see all of his face as Jeff pulled his cap over his eyes. But she did note his accelerated heartbeat, accompanied by a spike in the surface temperature of his skin and the slight spread of red where he was not obscuring her view of him. And she did notice the playful smile barely visible and she recalled a conversation she once had with Kasumi Goto about the nature of Da Vinci's Mona Lisa and her enigmatic smile.

 

 

_\- Save image file, location: N:~\EncryptedHome\Important\JeffMoreau_

_\- Save image file as: <3.IMG_

_\- A file with that name already exists. Image file saved as: <3(99465840301).IMG_

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymous commenters on the Kmeme thread were wondering what Joker had send. Now, FFF0000 is the hexcode for the colour red and if you connect the destinations on the galaxy map, you get a roughly heart-shaped travel plan. In essence, Joker just send EDI a big, galaxy-sized red heart. That old softie. 
> 
> Then some other anonymous commenter mentioned they had thought there was a hidden message of some sort in there and my inner pretentious hipster came with this horribly pretentious poem, each line based on a destination in the exact same order of the message: 
> 
> _Deep in his heart,  
>  the earthbound man with useless limbs  
> wishes he could soar the skies  
> and chase the spirit freely into the dark void. _
> 
> _Yet in the present, time is running out  
>  and the end  
> of the war games is nearing. _
> 
> _Perhaps in their next reincarnation  
>  they can cross this divide  
> and travel the unknown skies together  
> and in doing so, unite their hearts once again? _
> 
> Why yes, I used to be a pretentious hipster poet. Why do you ask? ;)


End file.
